Home-Sickness

Last Shabbat I stayed in Petach-Tikva, both my parents and in-laws live there, a mere 5 minute walk. Being the officially hottest summer ever registered, and the hottest days in this unbearable summer, it indeed was a heavy decision where to eat each meal.

Harder than going around in the boiling heat with a Tallit and carriage is the “in between” feeling.  As it says in Genesis, “A man shall leave his father and mother and unite with his wife and become as one flesh”, after the great excitement of the wedding, after two years+ of marriage I can declare that indeed you leave a family behind. Leaving one home behind, you gamble on building a new one, but that requires a great deal of work, and time. In the meanwhile your pretty much on your own.

It really fell on me when Shabbat departed, when we went to my parents to celebrate my Mom’s Birthday, and we discovered the family was ready to go to a restaurant for that very celebration. It struck me as absolutely amazing that we wouldn’t even have known about everyone celebrating, if we haven’t happened to drop by.

Though I now understand there was no reason to tell us, since there was no room in the car for us anyway, why should we be told were left out? Still the fact that my family was fully functioning without me, had it’s effect nevertheless.

Part of the price we pay for growing up and earning independence, is the other side of independence- having less of a backing, needing to stand on our own legs even if we are still too weak.

I feel that is the meaning of the Rabbi’s choice of Wisdom over Prophecy, after the destruction of the Temple. Even though growing into our own Wisdom instead of leaning into G-d’s loving hands weakens our stand. Cutting the strands of Prophecy lets us truly grow from the hardships, strengthen our personal stand.

Just as we pray and prepare for the return of Prophecy, I pray for the return of my family of childhood. Just as we prepare for such a Prophecy that will enhance and be enhanced by Wisdom, I try grasping such a way of seeing it all as a process for the greater good, by the will of G-d.

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Return to your Treasures

Another aspect of Teshuva-Repentance is revealed by paying attention to the roots of the term. As we know, defining a term explains much about whatever it is. For example, the exact term we may use introducing someone will teach a great deal about the true essence of our relationship. Some what similarly, understanding the roots of the definition of the Mitzvah of Teshuva will teach us about it’s essence.

In Hebrew, every word has it’s root letters, sometimes shared in many words, pointing us the way to a inner meaning. While in English we use the word- Repentance, meaning feeling sorry and regretting our negative actions, Teshuva has a different meaning. It’s root is Shav, meaning Return, which affects our translation of Teshuva as the returning. Teshuva isn’t all about digging in painful experiences of the path, it is actually about cleansing ourselves from the past, and returning to our true selves, with a great hope for the future.

There is a beautiful song by Shlomo Carlebach, the Dancing Rabbi, of recent times, on this theme. The video bellow is of a talented Israeli singer called Yonatan Raz-el singing it at a concert.

Lyrics:

Return again, Return again, Return to the land of your soul.

Return to who you are, Return to what you are, Return to where you were born and reborn again.

Relive the joy of your fathers before you who lived with the song of the Lord on their lips, they sang…

And return the Cohannim to their holy temple service, and the Levites to their song and praise, and return Israel to their place of rest.

(My free translation)

There is an inspiring story about a Hassid, a follower of a Holy Master who came to ask for advice on Teshuva, which he felt was very hard. The Rebbe, the Holy Master, turned his face from the Hassid, and called out to his young son, who was by the window. The child immediately turned to face his father inquiringly. The Rebbe smiled as he turned to his Hassid, and answered: “Teshuva means returning, all we have to do is the small effort of returning our attention, our eyes and hearts to the Master of the Universe”.

As we  all know, we all have the most wonderful souls, originated in the highest realms of G-dliness. Teshuva is all about returning to this inner place, reconnecting with G-d’s presence which lives in us, enlivens us endlessly.

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Improve your Deeds

This coming Hebrew month of Elul is dedicated traditionally to Teshuva, usually translated as Repentance. Although repenting is indeed a very important stage in Teshuva, it is only one narrow aspect of the whole.

Maimonides in his codex of law- Mishne Torah, divides Teshuva into three stages- Repentance, Confession and Deciding to change. Repentance is only the first of the three. One cannot do without the other. In Judaism great importance is given to the actual deeds, over the abstract faith issue.

There is a Hassidic story which illustrates this point nicely. A follower of one of the Great Hassidic Masters, the founder of Chabad, came to his holy master complaining about the Mitzvah of Tzedaka-Charity. He said that since he is a great merchant, a very wealthy man, he gives a lot of charity. But he feels his charity is full of self-importance, and he thought maybe he should give away less, as to lower his bloated self-esteem. With a sharp look the Holy Master asked him: “Indeed, maybe you are truly full of arrogance, but doesn’t the money truly help them?”. You may feel whatever you may, and indeed it is your job to change, but your deeds are those who speak for you.

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High Holidays

A few days ago we entered the Hebrew month of Elul, traditionally dedicated to the spiritual work of repentance- Teshuva. The month’s preparation ends with the first holiday in the high holidays series, Rosh Hashana, beginning of the new year.

In the rabbinical sources this holiday is referred to as the day we anoint G-d as our king. The prayers guiding us along this day focus greatly on this issue of G-d’s character and power as king over us.   As we flip a page in the diary of our lives, on the very first moment of the year, why is this the issue were busy with? Shouldn’t there be other things on our minds?

There is an ancient and basic question asked in Judaism, concerning the motives of G-d creating the world. One of the answers given sounds like a riddle- “For there is no King without a Nation”. Any king is just another citizen with no meaning if there isn’t a nation accepting him as their King.  Meaning, G-d’s awesome greatness and goodness could not be revealed with a world to reveal it to. We have to accept G-d as our supreme King in order to give any meaning to our existence, our creation in the first place.

Truthfully, that doesn’t sound like the most inspiring attitude to this holiday. Needing to excuse our existence, forcing us to accept G-d as king. But there is one more variable in the discussion- Freedom of choice. There is no freedom in a choice made at gun-point. In order to allow us this freedom, a wonderful process goes on throughout the double-day holiday.

In Kabbalah it is described as the same process in which G-d separated Adam from Eve in the garden of Eden after their creation. At first they were created as one creature, like Siamese twins in their nature, male and female connected back to back. Then G-d surgically intervened and separated them while sending them to sleep. We may be surprised by the act. It was done because of their yearning for an experience as a couple, but seems they were much closer before being divided!

The obvious answer is that we value a willful relationship much higher than one in which the sides have no other option. By giving them the legitimate option to part their ways, they were given their first genuine opportunity to truthfully unite.

The same happens with us on this first of the High Holidays. By tradition this is the date of human creation, on this day we regain our ability to reconsider our relationships, primarily our relationship with G-d. Kabbalah teaches us that as we enter the new year, we have to wake our G-d, our faithful companion. We have to understand we truly have the power to decide we want this companionship-marriage, and call back our King to stand at our side with true fellowship.

How do we wake up G-d from his slumber after this separation? By the sound of the Shofar- ram’s horn. It is our simple cry, beyond words and complication, our inner will cry.

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Fighting over Territory

As watch my 1 yr. old son conquering our entire living room, slowly but surely, I was reminded of these very wars we wage against all our loved ones, in one way or another, and repeatedly against G-d. We feel a great urge of protecting our sacred space and grounds, with the same instincts which led us to tribal wars for the roomiest cave in the neighborhood in the good ol’ times.

Sometimes these wars take on the most absurd shapes possible. A friend sits in our favorite chair in the sanctuary on that special service,  a child decides he needs the TV remote control exactly when our favorite program comes up, and we lit up with rage, even when we succeed sustaining it.

All these incidents do have their justification in one way or another, but how can we excuse ourselves when the same comes up in our relationship with G-d?

As we all know very well, this relationship is different in its very essence. There cannot be an oppressor and oppressed, their a great friendship and guidance, one we may accept or refuse. Surely waging war is always against those who introduced us wrongly, for G-d is within us, our most inner essence.

It strikes me as hilarious when I realize I’m struggling with G-d over some good deed. It’s purely blaming someone else for those mistakes I don’t have the courage to take upon myself. Sometimes it will be my lack of courage to face others, my friends and family maybe, and act as my heart directs.

I truly think remembering the simple fact that using the term worship of G-d does not mean sacrificing myself for the will of others, but sacrificing my outer and fake needs, for my higher yearnings and inner will.

Meeting G-d

G-d, being infinite, cannot have any relation with our finite existence. This statement was expanded by the Greek philosophers of ancient times. They reasoned that since G-d was so great, being defined as infinite, it made no sense he would relate to such limited beings as humans. Providence didn’t make any sense either, why would such a limitless G-d take any interest in our petty business, he surely doesn't care!

Amazingly, our trial of defining G-d, in purpose of relating to him, turned into a statement claiming that any relation is impossible and irrational.

If we’ll return to our last discussion, we may find a possible answer. Understanding that the human understanding of G-d is our own yearning for the moral good, we see that there surely is this side of complete identity and immersion between Man and G-d. Prophecy is all about this inherent connection between creation and creator. So we see there are these two sides which seem to be connected, but contradicting.

In Jewish philosophy, this is an issue widely discussed and explained. The infinite G-d has these two parts, which can be explained using the human soul as an example. Every man has the essence of his soul, which stays mysterious and unknown, even to him. This soul reveals itself to others through names. Names are tools of the soul to communicate with the world. Johnny, Mr. Smith, Daddy and Honey are all legitimate names for one person. They all represent different aspects of his life, different revelations of his soul which remains unknown. In such a sense we may understand this seeming duality in our understanding of G-d. G-d himself, his essence is indeed infinite and unrelated, but he reveals himself and communicates through his names, through the prophets of all ages.

That is why, as Jews, we treat the names of G-d with reverence. This is G-d as far as we can grasp, his names, his only way of revealing himself. Actually, that is one of the reasons it is custom to call G-d “Hashem”, only meaning- “The Name”.

Discovering G-d

An intriguing topic for any believer in our times is- who is G-d in who we believe? We all strive towards a thriving fulfilling relationship with G-d, but we firstly need to know who he is, so we can relate.

When our forefathers started walking the surface of this planet, a sense of moral structure was developed. In this man evolved emotions and complex feelings, a yearning for good and morality, beauty and enjoyment. He found the earth around him perfect as a Garden of Eden. (In some sense this state can be found in toddlers in the first stages of development. A feeling of calm and good, a great belief in the beauty of life.) An instinctive natural feeling of the existing presence of G-d grew within him. G-d, from man’s point of view, was the direct development of his moral yearning for a beautiful better world.

We define G-d by whatever is alive and stands in line with our moral sense. We define him by whatever serves the purpose of how he should be defined and related to by us.

He is infinite, because anything finite just isn’t good enough. It will always have some border, some place it will say: no more development here, receive what you perceive and stop there. Humankind cannot accept that statement, for we always strive for the better good, there is always place for development which gets it representation in G-d.

So on so forth, we go on defining and explaining G-d in the very best way possible to hold our Ideals in place, to give justification to our moral behavior and decisions.

The questions that arise from such an explanations are many. Does G-d stop at our small life experience? Does he engulf our existence, and stretches farther more, or is he defined by it?

To be continued with the help of G-d…

Flying back home

Finally this so called summer “vacation” is over, it’s been a great experience, but it was much better getting home! Returning home, to the land of my fathers, a land where a Jew is never alone, he cannot be left behind. As it says: “A land in  which the observance of Hashem is  forever present”. Its an elevating experience I’ve never truly had. Travelling back to Israel as a child wasn't really the same. I felt so sad going a day before leaving to a Jewish cemetery, seeing all those yiddin stuck there till who knows when… far away from true home and family.

It was pretty wacky in NY. The great stench and dirt of the wide spreading metropolis, physically and spiritually. Empty faced zombies shuttling forever on the great subway stream of the urban life. From a tourist view it has some really cool sites and stores, but meeting the actual thing was a great shock, though I remember I was mostly surprised about not being surprised at all, meeting a junkie NY, just like I imagined. It was funny, in a way, actually.

I hope writing some insights and short diary entries into this blog from ime t time for whoever's interested.

Thank you for staying with me this long already, good night!