Pure of heart

How do you calm a worrying mother, when your calming thoughts are exactly those which didn't let her sleep through the night? How do you share your thoughts and feelings with a spouse, when you are terrified they might shatter you apart; though you are full of love. How do you entertain your father at the dinner table when you know your ideas might drive him crazy, leaving you orphaned? How can you look yourself in the mirror when your eyes are full of shame, shame of aspiring to higher things while you are chained – by your own will?

I do not know the answers, but I do know that hiding by keeping everybody happy is not a solution, from experience.

I used to see myself as a boy with many masks, master of illusion, faking identities and switching suits by need. Spinning around myself so much in disguise that I lost track of who I was, swearing never again. Never again did that happen, but instead of switching disguises I found myself slammed inside one that pleasured everyone, almost. I felt unsatisfied, wondering what it could be since everything was so 'perfect', until it hit me.

And now, looking around for my path of redemption, closely chasing my new-found revelation, I see I have chained myself in so many ways. I had weighed myself down with so many belongings that I am drowning. Unable to lift myself up, I consider burying myself deeper still, hoping it would dull the pain, strangle the yearning for air.

So don't bother calling mom, I can't comfort you, you have every reason to worry. I'm trying to lift far too many things, too much for my exploding heart, I can't hold yours too.

An SOS note for dreary times

I need you to be there for me, when I'm nasty and unpleasant in my ways and mood. Don't preach and don't try to educate me, this is when I need you the most – when I'm not "fit" to be loved.

Yes, I know I'm a fool and I better straighten up my act or else… Yes, I know I've been pretty much inviting the universe to slap me in the face… but now that it's happened, can I please snuggle into your embracing arms and drown my tears in your silent attention?

Just listen to my voice droning on, nod and listen to my eyes, my heart. Sit nearby, don't shy away, your embarrassment embarrasses me. Let me open my heart, it's been slammed shut for too long, dying.

There is no need to be nervous, I'm not waiting for you to bring the perfect solution, just to listen. Be my wailing wall, a wall that never falls or fails, and nothing more. There is nothing more I would like in this world right now.

Please don't roll your eyes, I'm trying to watch them, scrying for my real self that I lost so long ago. Be still, and I know I will be found, I know I have a sturdy foundation to come back to – following the bread crumb trail I left crisscrossing our relationship. Be still and hold me tight, there is no need to nudge me home, in times as these I draw my strength from you.

Believe in me, so I can believe in myself.

BFF, or till you think differently

How can I hope to make you understand, why I do what I do;

Once I was happily content to be, as I was, where I was;

Helpless now I stand with him, watching older dreams grow dim;

Oh, what a melancholy choice this is – wanting home, wanting him;

There where my heart has settled long ago - I must go, I must go!

(excerpts from 'Far from the home I love', Fiddler on the Roof)

'I pity your soul', he told me, 'if you continue to go on with the path you have chosen'. He suggested I had a free choice of choosing down which path to tread on, as if that choice hasn't been made and sealed long ago.

This was the grim end of a conversation I had on the last Rosh-Hashana, the holiday celebrating new beginnings, of forgiveness and brotherhood. Lately many of those I recognized as friends, people I trust and love, turn cold and lose touch when they get a drift of what I'm going through. Liberal ideas and trends turn out hollow when it comes to a friend in transition, striving for higher grounds, experimenting with concepts and ideals.

Most of my best friends are religious, most of them are recognized religious figures in their society, does that mean I have to disconnect? Shun and be shunned? I don't think so!

After the "uplifting" arrogance-treatment on Rosh-Hashana I didn't know where I'll be on Yom-Kippur, somewhere I could go through the traditional experience without needing to apologize for loving it without really buying the whole faith package. It's ironic that I ended up in a very strict orthodox yeshiva, praying alongside fervent believers, rabbis living secluded lives totally devoted to G-d, and young wanabees imitating the moves and tears of the seasoned students. There, my ideology and set of beliefs weren't questioned, the surrounding practitioners were too busy with themselves, and I had some clear private space to meditate. Time to meditate upon forgiveness, upon a lonely G-d never to understood by those who he loves, upon a society that never apologizes to their religious-frenzy road kill since it's Kosher. As if a rabbinical permission makes it morally fine to bleed a fellow Jew.

I've heard atheists say quite a lot about religions being responsible for killings along history, not yet have I heard talk about the bleeding hearts of those who love these archaic structures while being stabbed by them.

Why can't a friend hold me tight and tell me that friendship does not lie only on mutual beliefs, but on something deeper that is able to honor diversity?

Indeed, my everyday life involves seesawing between two different worlds – physical and conceptual, experimental and mythological, practical and cultural; I don't need you to bring my attention to it, neither do I need you to nudge me towards the "right" decision, all I need you is to be my friend.

Like the 'Uncle Moishe' song –

Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow;

Don't walk behind me, I may not lead;

Just walk beside me and be my friend.

The sociological side-effects of philosophical impotence

Many times it seems that the people surrounding me may very well be educated and intelligent, but unable to comprehend the meaning of my words and utterly frustrated by them. At first, I thought I was to blame, till I compared my experience with different circles of friends, finding that certain people did understand me fully. These people could be from different backgrounds, educated or not, men and woman, religious or atheist, they had a capacity others lacked.

I believe this lack of philosophical capacity, handicapping a slice of society, is the reason to seclusion of the philosophical minority. Unable to understand philosophical conversation, the majority tries to filter meaningful phrases out of a whole dialogue, with the result of being left with absolute rubbish, therefore discarding the whole conversation, and getting frustrated over their time wasted. The next unavoidable stage is secluding those minority persons, although the negative effect on society as a whole.

Society loses from this discouraging process it's brightest minds, those who see and think differently, those who one day could have been able to upgrade the human condition valuably. Instead, these talented individuals crawl sulking into their caves with lack of recognition, these powers go to waste unharnessed.

It is rare indeed to find a place, an environment in which the philosophical types can flourish. It can be a workplace, a family, a neighborhood, any forum in which the individuals can flourish, bringing out their talents and expressing their true selves. The internet has sprung many such environments, unleashing springs of freshwater to revive the world.

Only through intercourse of thought and ideas, through experiencing revolutionary styles of life and thinking, can a great philosopher evolve. It takes more than a genius working by himself to truly accomplish something great. It is the effort of a team, woven together, that can help the final product come to life. I say final, but nothing in philosophy is truly so, but after coming to life – the philosophical idea or concept has a life of its own, growing and expanding in ways the originators could not have foreseen.

This sociological function at the micro-level works also at higher and wider levels, in my experience.

A society that cannot, or won't, support the minority that functions as its think-tank will not evolve and eventually get exterminated. A society, as Orthodox Jewry, that has fought against and crushed sprouts of contemporary and original thinking, will dwindle and die. There is no other way, to live is to progress is to rethink old concepts and mold them anew. We should fear stagnation more than we fear change, because refraining from change will definitely kill us.

Society has a lot to lose from embracing progress, valuable assets of tradition will be inevitably lost, but embrace it we must, with due caution, if we truly value our tradition and cherish it continuous struggle through the ages. It seems ironic, but I believe it is true, we must change in order to stay ourselves. It is a game of survival, and those deemed unfit are strangles by the iron grasp of natural cause. We have so much to lose, let us embrace the new.

The Drylands of the Rational

One of the more interesting challenges I've been dealing with since my "enlightenment" is the agonizing lack of magic and mythology in life. It seems that rational-critical thinking brings on a dry-spell that destroys all those wonderful lush grasslands, previously teeming with life. Only then I truly understood the chosen terminology of Nietzsche "We have murdered God", I could almost feel his blood cover my hands as I read on and meditated on these topics.

In my search for a "true" God, truly abstract and metaphysical, I had sacrificed a tangible God I could think of as personal and connect with, and received a cold blank corpse of a God no longer fit for his role. What was even more devastating was the fact it was a bridge that could not be uncrossed, knowledge that could not be lost.

From the wondrous heights of Hassidic lore and yearning for Prophecy through meditation and secret Inner Knowledge, I had plummeted to the depths of a materialistic and mechanistic world with absolutely no one to turn to, nothing to aspire to. Yet, I could not let go of religion. The great myths, the beautiful traditions and portraits of God-fearing Jews walking the streets of the Holy-Land were too much to give up. I finally found myself in a great see-saw, trying to balance an Orthodox way of life with a free-thinking inner life, with the thesis and anti-thesis trying to fuse into a synthesis.

I cannot say I have found this synthesis, and I know deep down that it will probably elude my for the rest of my life, but I do know that I am fighting desperately to win it all. Moreover, I have a deep conviction to share this search with others, the very idea of trying to grasp it all with devotion and critical loyalty.
I myself believe there is out there a shade of theology and conservatism that will agree to be integrated into some reform and constructional thinking patterns.


P.S Intentionally, the Holocaust is not mentioned in this blog today deliberately  This wasn't done with any intention of disrespect to the memories of the deceased, but with respect to Life and not diluting the Evil that dominated those dark days. In short, I despise boxing, and thus alienating, this event in our history into one day.

Life-Long Intimacy

It has been a long time since last time I wrote, and arguably, it isn't the best setting to do so while listening to a lecture summarizing the material for my Philosophy exam tomorrow, all this at a ridiculous hour of night. Nevertheless, this is exactly what is happening, and I'll just have to ask you to excuse me.

For a few years I've been noticing an interesting phenomena, the loneliness of thinking. I'm not referring only to revolutionary thinkers, but to everyday simpletons (as myself) that have decided to think for themselves as opposed to letting others command this critical function for them. Up until recently, I've been disturbed by this, and tried to defy this Great Law by depending on a Rabbi , society or different schools of thought (all these - living or dead) and failing quite utterly and miserably. I've found myself struggling to "fit in" somewhere, to feel someone "has my back", in vain.

It took me quite some time to realize there are some positive points in this reality, and to learn to accept and adapt myself to this "loner" perception of life. Somewhat like the famous quotation of Pirkey Avot (Ethics of the Fathers [hail wikipedia!]) "אם אין אני לי מי לי", basically meaning- I have no one but myself. Of course this segment can be translated and understood in many ways, but the bottom line is that we are born, live and die with ourselves, and have only ourselves to draw true judgment upon our conduct.

That is where I draw the term of "Intimacy", which replaced what I defined as "Loneliness". Wiktionary defines this term as meaning - feeling or atmosphere of closeness and openness towards someone else, antonymous to "Solitude".  Now, that is a much more optimistic view, and it adds this "someone else", which I interpret as God, which is also with me always. Thus, I'm no longer alone, yet in continuous solitude. God, as much as some people would like to have me believe otherwise, is more of an idea. A great one, as Muslims would put it, but still pretty much a limited one.

Nevertheless,  I have found this idea "rings a bell" in many hearts, and it may seem I have found my community (even if the most divided crisis-filled one ever) at last.

As usual (?), comments are most welcome.