How do you calm a worrying mother, when your calming
thoughts are exactly those which didn't let her sleep through the night? How do
you share your thoughts and feelings with a spouse, when you are terrified they
might shatter you apart; though you are full of love. How do you entertain your
father at the dinner table when you know your ideas might drive him crazy,
leaving you orphaned? How can you look yourself in the mirror when your eyes are
full of shame, shame of aspiring to higher things while you are chained – by
your own will?
I do not know the answers, but I do know that hiding by
keeping everybody happy is not a solution, from experience.
I used to see myself as a boy with many masks, master
of illusion, faking identities and switching suits by need. Spinning around
myself so much in disguise that I lost track of who I was, swearing never again.
Never again did that happen, but instead of switching disguises I found myself
slammed inside one that pleasured everyone, almost. I felt unsatisfied,
wondering what it could be since everything was so 'perfect', until it hit
me.
And now, looking around for my path of redemption,
closely chasing my new-found revelation, I see I have chained myself in so many
ways. I had weighed myself down with so many belongings that I am drowning.
Unable to lift myself up, I consider burying myself deeper still, hoping it
would dull the pain, strangle the yearning for air.
So don't bother calling mom, I can't comfort you, you
have every reason to worry. I'm trying to lift far too many things, too much for
my exploding heart, I can't hold yours too.
