The reckoning poem - Associative writing

the most impossible things in life are those we keep ourselves from
the bee-keeper enslaves those feeding him
feeding infants is a mission we cant all escape
escaping reality is my main mission
missions - we design, we fail, we recycle, we celebrate
celebrating death is the most sensible way to live
live in fear makes no sense, better rest in peace
the peace process involves war, the war process involves pieces of flesh, torn
torn from my home, my family offers no refuge
refuge i find no-where but inside
my insides are empty and silent since i dragged god away
crying, i deny my god entrance to my hallowed dwellings
i deny god, till i am reborn, strengthened enough to recreate us both
recreation is a path away from one boredom to another
other people are a distraction, how can we live without them?
music is like that old aching scar, full of deep feeling and truth
the truth is whatever works, for you, who knows what works for me?
micro-truths all jumbled meaninglessly, weakly, i stare into the void
the gaping smile of the void is smiling, virgin opportunity
the feminine secret, abused by all, forgotten by the very few
making others happy - prostitution, making myself happy - egotism
the strength of life marches me on, beyond reach of rationalism
philosophy is for the weak, the strong have ignorance
ignoring my warnings, i publish this piece.

Pure of heart

How do you calm a worrying mother, when your calming thoughts are exactly those which didn't let her sleep through the night? How do you share your thoughts and feelings with a spouse, when you are terrified they might shatter you apart; though you are full of love. How do you entertain your father at the dinner table when you know your ideas might drive him crazy, leaving you orphaned? How can you look yourself in the mirror when your eyes are full of shame, shame of aspiring to higher things while you are chained – by your own will?

I do not know the answers, but I do know that hiding by keeping everybody happy is not a solution, from experience.

I used to see myself as a boy with many masks, master of illusion, faking identities and switching suits by need. Spinning around myself so much in disguise that I lost track of who I was, swearing never again. Never again did that happen, but instead of switching disguises I found myself slammed inside one that pleasured everyone, almost. I felt unsatisfied, wondering what it could be since everything was so 'perfect', until it hit me.

And now, looking around for my path of redemption, closely chasing my new-found revelation, I see I have chained myself in so many ways. I had weighed myself down with so many belongings that I am drowning. Unable to lift myself up, I consider burying myself deeper still, hoping it would dull the pain, strangle the yearning for air.

So don't bother calling mom, I can't comfort you, you have every reason to worry. I'm trying to lift far too many things, too much for my exploding heart, I can't hold yours too.

An SOS note for dreary times

I need you to be there for me, when I'm nasty and unpleasant in my ways and mood. Don't preach and don't try to educate me, this is when I need you the most – when I'm not "fit" to be loved.

Yes, I know I'm a fool and I better straighten up my act or else… Yes, I know I've been pretty much inviting the universe to slap me in the face… but now that it's happened, can I please snuggle into your embracing arms and drown my tears in your silent attention?

Just listen to my voice droning on, nod and listen to my eyes, my heart. Sit nearby, don't shy away, your embarrassment embarrasses me. Let me open my heart, it's been slammed shut for too long, dying.

There is no need to be nervous, I'm not waiting for you to bring the perfect solution, just to listen. Be my wailing wall, a wall that never falls or fails, and nothing more. There is nothing more I would like in this world right now.

Please don't roll your eyes, I'm trying to watch them, scrying for my real self that I lost so long ago. Be still, and I know I will be found, I know I have a sturdy foundation to come back to – following the bread crumb trail I left crisscrossing our relationship. Be still and hold me tight, there is no need to nudge me home, in times as these I draw my strength from you.

Believe in me, so I can believe in myself.

Life-Long Intimacy

It has been a long time since last time I wrote, and arguably, it isn't the best setting to do so while listening to a lecture summarizing the material for my Philosophy exam tomorrow, all this at a ridiculous hour of night. Nevertheless, this is exactly what is happening, and I'll just have to ask you to excuse me.

For a few years I've been noticing an interesting phenomena, the loneliness of thinking. I'm not referring only to revolutionary thinkers, but to everyday simpletons (as myself) that have decided to think for themselves as opposed to letting others command this critical function for them. Up until recently, I've been disturbed by this, and tried to defy this Great Law by depending on a Rabbi , society or different schools of thought (all these - living or dead) and failing quite utterly and miserably. I've found myself struggling to "fit in" somewhere, to feel someone "has my back", in vain.

It took me quite some time to realize there are some positive points in this reality, and to learn to accept and adapt myself to this "loner" perception of life. Somewhat like the famous quotation of Pirkey Avot (Ethics of the Fathers [hail wikipedia!]) "אם אין אני לי מי לי", basically meaning- I have no one but myself. Of course this segment can be translated and understood in many ways, but the bottom line is that we are born, live and die with ourselves, and have only ourselves to draw true judgment upon our conduct.

That is where I draw the term of "Intimacy", which replaced what I defined as "Loneliness". Wiktionary defines this term as meaning - feeling or atmosphere of closeness and openness towards someone else, antonymous to "Solitude".  Now, that is a much more optimistic view, and it adds this "someone else", which I interpret as God, which is also with me always. Thus, I'm no longer alone, yet in continuous solitude. God, as much as some people would like to have me believe otherwise, is more of an idea. A great one, as Muslims would put it, but still pretty much a limited one.

Nevertheless,  I have found this idea "rings a bell" in many hearts, and it may seem I have found my community (even if the most divided crisis-filled one ever) at last.

As usual (?), comments are most welcome.