Pure of heart

How do you calm a worrying mother, when your calming thoughts are exactly those which didn't let her sleep through the night? How do you share your thoughts and feelings with a spouse, when you are terrified they might shatter you apart; though you are full of love. How do you entertain your father at the dinner table when you know your ideas might drive him crazy, leaving you orphaned? How can you look yourself in the mirror when your eyes are full of shame, shame of aspiring to higher things while you are chained – by your own will?

I do not know the answers, but I do know that hiding by keeping everybody happy is not a solution, from experience.

I used to see myself as a boy with many masks, master of illusion, faking identities and switching suits by need. Spinning around myself so much in disguise that I lost track of who I was, swearing never again. Never again did that happen, but instead of switching disguises I found myself slammed inside one that pleasured everyone, almost. I felt unsatisfied, wondering what it could be since everything was so 'perfect', until it hit me.

And now, looking around for my path of redemption, closely chasing my new-found revelation, I see I have chained myself in so many ways. I had weighed myself down with so many belongings that I am drowning. Unable to lift myself up, I consider burying myself deeper still, hoping it would dull the pain, strangle the yearning for air.

So don't bother calling mom, I can't comfort you, you have every reason to worry. I'm trying to lift far too many things, too much for my exploding heart, I can't hold yours too.

Life-Long Intimacy

It has been a long time since last time I wrote, and arguably, it isn't the best setting to do so while listening to a lecture summarizing the material for my Philosophy exam tomorrow, all this at a ridiculous hour of night. Nevertheless, this is exactly what is happening, and I'll just have to ask you to excuse me.

For a few years I've been noticing an interesting phenomena, the loneliness of thinking. I'm not referring only to revolutionary thinkers, but to everyday simpletons (as myself) that have decided to think for themselves as opposed to letting others command this critical function for them. Up until recently, I've been disturbed by this, and tried to defy this Great Law by depending on a Rabbi , society or different schools of thought (all these - living or dead) and failing quite utterly and miserably. I've found myself struggling to "fit in" somewhere, to feel someone "has my back", in vain.

It took me quite some time to realize there are some positive points in this reality, and to learn to accept and adapt myself to this "loner" perception of life. Somewhat like the famous quotation of Pirkey Avot (Ethics of the Fathers [hail wikipedia!]) "אם אין אני לי מי לי", basically meaning- I have no one but myself. Of course this segment can be translated and understood in many ways, but the bottom line is that we are born, live and die with ourselves, and have only ourselves to draw true judgment upon our conduct.

That is where I draw the term of "Intimacy", which replaced what I defined as "Loneliness". Wiktionary defines this term as meaning - feeling or atmosphere of closeness and openness towards someone else, antonymous to "Solitude".  Now, that is a much more optimistic view, and it adds this "someone else", which I interpret as God, which is also with me always. Thus, I'm no longer alone, yet in continuous solitude. God, as much as some people would like to have me believe otherwise, is more of an idea. A great one, as Muslims would put it, but still pretty much a limited one.

Nevertheless,  I have found this idea "rings a bell" in many hearts, and it may seem I have found my community (even if the most divided crisis-filled one ever) at last.

As usual (?), comments are most welcome.