The reckoning poem - Associative writing

the most impossible things in life are those we keep ourselves from
the bee-keeper enslaves those feeding him
feeding infants is a mission we cant all escape
escaping reality is my main mission
missions - we design, we fail, we recycle, we celebrate
celebrating death is the most sensible way to live
live in fear makes no sense, better rest in peace
the peace process involves war, the war process involves pieces of flesh, torn
torn from my home, my family offers no refuge
refuge i find no-where but inside
my insides are empty and silent since i dragged god away
crying, i deny my god entrance to my hallowed dwellings
i deny god, till i am reborn, strengthened enough to recreate us both
recreation is a path away from one boredom to another
other people are a distraction, how can we live without them?
music is like that old aching scar, full of deep feeling and truth
the truth is whatever works, for you, who knows what works for me?
micro-truths all jumbled meaninglessly, weakly, i stare into the void
the gaping smile of the void is smiling, virgin opportunity
the feminine secret, abused by all, forgotten by the very few
making others happy - prostitution, making myself happy - egotism
the strength of life marches me on, beyond reach of rationalism
philosophy is for the weak, the strong have ignorance
ignoring my warnings, i publish this piece.

An SOS note for dreary times

I need you to be there for me, when I'm nasty and unpleasant in my ways and mood. Don't preach and don't try to educate me, this is when I need you the most – when I'm not "fit" to be loved.

Yes, I know I'm a fool and I better straighten up my act or else… Yes, I know I've been pretty much inviting the universe to slap me in the face… but now that it's happened, can I please snuggle into your embracing arms and drown my tears in your silent attention?

Just listen to my voice droning on, nod and listen to my eyes, my heart. Sit nearby, don't shy away, your embarrassment embarrasses me. Let me open my heart, it's been slammed shut for too long, dying.

There is no need to be nervous, I'm not waiting for you to bring the perfect solution, just to listen. Be my wailing wall, a wall that never falls or fails, and nothing more. There is nothing more I would like in this world right now.

Please don't roll your eyes, I'm trying to watch them, scrying for my real self that I lost so long ago. Be still, and I know I will be found, I know I have a sturdy foundation to come back to – following the bread crumb trail I left crisscrossing our relationship. Be still and hold me tight, there is no need to nudge me home, in times as these I draw my strength from you.

Believe in me, so I can believe in myself.